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Queen V Silver 4,380 points	on 07/26/06 at 03:51 PM so i just read "consequence" and i thought it was great. there are a bunch of minor grammatical errors in the beginning though, which are very distracting, so you should proofread. and i wouldn't really describe it as a horror story either, maybe for the abstract you should just pull a line or paragraph from the piece. but yea very nice. i would also suggest that you don't submit several articles at once. wait a little in between each submission, to give people a chance to read your stuff. you have a much better chance of getting published that way. but your stuff is really good so i'm sure you won't have to about getting published once you learn the ins and outs of the this site.
Queen V Silver 4,380 points	on 07/26/06 at 03:41 PM hey, i commented on your articles in the voting panel but i see there's only an hour or so left before they expire, so here are my comments... "everything is moving" i liked the paragraphs toward the end, describing the action. what i didn't like was the dialogue, a lot of it seemed unnecessary, esp that long sequence in the middle. maybe instead of so much dialogue, you can go back and forth with one line from jared, and then daren's thoughts about whatever as he watches the speedomoter. and i agree with mike reed, you def need more character development. "three strikes" - "Your dad wakes you up and tells your mom..." mike reed is suggesting you add "you" so it doesn't look like dad is telling mom something - "He was never going to sleep, but that what he gets for picking a shit motel." should be "that's what he gets..." - "With a cockroaches view of the coffee shop..." should be "cockroach's" overall, i like your writing style a lot. it did get somewhat farfetched at the end though. if you keep the thing about dad getting shot, take out the 18th bday part.
The Heel Press Team Bronze 374 points	on 07/23/06 at 05:04 PM Welcome to The Heel Press!
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