All Writing From D. Chan

The Art of the Romance Novel

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 08:07:01 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under Commentary:

It became pretty obvious to me that I'd never fulfill my aspirations of becoming a world-famous writer such as the likes of Hemingway or Dickens or even Dean Koontz. However, I thought I could pull off trying to write a novelization of a movie. And by movie I mean a children's film. And by children's film I mean an episode of Blue's Clues. The one where the guy in the rugby shirt realizes he's gay and in love with the dog.

Through Her Eyes

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 08:55:16 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under Non-fiction:

Lei was born in Indonesia, a country where many wealthy Chinese did business and made a comfortable living. Her father was a very rich man who had the ear of many a government official and ran a highly profitable business. Her mother, Jiang Li, was a strong and tremendously beautiful woman. She was tall and slender, and had a small high nose and large eyes.

I Love Black Comedies

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 05:31:07 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under Commentary:

I consistently fail to see the merit in movies that my peers describe with such colorful adjectives as "inspiring," "beautiful," and "orgasm-inducing." And for that, ladies and gentlemen, I am shunned. I live as a hermit in my darkened cave of a dorm room, enjoying films that people with any sense of taste forego, such as "You Got Served," "Drumline," and "White Chicks" - films that are terrible, and yet, off the hizzle.

Maintaining the Appearance of Being a Writer

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 02:22:12 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

Good writing is not something that comes naturally to most people. It takes years of classical training, intense study, and furious masturbation to Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" in order to appreciate the nuances. However, if you want to write your very own "Da Vinci Code," all you need is one year of high school English and the following tips. The one year of high school English is not mandatory.

The Terrifying Wee.Wee Destruction Device

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 05:53:19 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under Commentary:

Never before has so whimsical a title conveyed so ghastly a device. Before I continue, I ask you to look at the picture to the right. I assure you, it's conception and function are meant to be taken with complete seriousness. And yet, for some reason when I first gazed upon it, I instinctively saved it in my "Funny" folder next to my animated GIFs of fat kids dancing and pictures of people running into poles.

Nobody Loves An Asian Boy

Fri, 13 May 2005 17:48:59 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under Commentary:

I paused in the doorway of Urban Outfitters momentarily. A shirt, pink and neatly folded among dozens others, stared back at me. It read "Everybody Loves An Asian Girl" with stars and other numerous little visual flourishes adorning the lettering. Looking at it, I felt no rage, no anger - because of course, this was certainly no Abercrombie-Chinaman shirt, no McDonalds-Mulan commercial, no Details Magazine debacle. The shirt did, however, make me come to a realization, one so depressing that I wanted to throw rice in someone's eye and karate chop them in half.

Save Our Superheroes

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 01:04:36 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

As a young child, I had a vivid imagination - when I didn't have toys or friends to play with I often found myself running around the house pretending to be a ninja, a marine, or whatever else happened to occupy my mind at the time. However, there was a small bit of role playing that I could never get my head around. No matter how hard I tried, my young mind could never take on the role of Batman, Superman, Spiderman, or any of the other myriad of superheroes who were predominantly white. The idea of a Chinese Superman seemed comical to me. And frankly, it still does.

Teletype Epiphany

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 09:18:51 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

They are numerous. They inhabit every nook and cranny of this world, silent and brooding. They wait for the unsuspecting, the untrained, to shock and awe with brilliant flashes of light and sound, paralyzing the inept and the weak. I know, for I have faced many in my lifetime. But there was one was not like the others. It was older �" no, ancient. And it wielded a mysterious power that I could not begin to fathom, for behind the black metal armor that encased my enemy, the battle to outwit and outsmart was already beginning.

Excuse Me. My House Is On Fire

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 07:12:22 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

I can say with a mild degree of disappointment that adjusting to life in Hong Kong is not very difficult at all. People are not shocked or amused by foreigners, as a hundred years of British rule has made the city rather indifferent to such things. Being American impresses no one, and speaking English is nothing out of the ordinary. In most aspects of daily life I blend in with the general populace very well - for the most part people just assume I'm another citizen of Hong Kong, going about his business. But there is one task that I simply cannot perform better than the 7 million people who reside here.

Anime Chicks Are Hot Too.

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 10:28:04 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under Commentary:

Ever since I started college I've become a big fan of anime, a unique form of Japanese animation that you are probably familiar with through telvision shows such as "Dragonball Z" and the annoyingly addictive "Naruto." Anime is a strange beast - cartoons are usually thought of as "just for kids" in the Western world, but in Japan anime transcends all genres �" and believe me when I say ALL genres. I sometimes watch anime and think, "Hey, this chick is pretty hot," which usually gives me a moment of pause. "My God, I can't believe I just said that about a cartoon character...who looks twelve years old." The idea seems just plain wrong on so many levels.

Tools to Unravel the World

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 02:01:44 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

"Dear Son, please email me detailed instructions on how to use this instant messenger program. I tried to download but could not figure it out. Miss you, Mom"

I Have a Winning Wang

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 10:19:25 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

This has been a very intelligent and enjoyable conversation thus far, and for that I thank you gentlemen. It's a rare occurrence in this day and age for a couple of average Joes to stand around and shoot the shit with one another, free of competition and ego. But unfortunately, at this juncture I feel obliged to mention the fact that I have a big cock.

The Impenetrable Dance Circle

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 22:05:44 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

Female behavior at a club is a mathematically determinable certainty. I say this not based on any expertise in mathematics or statistics, but because one of the most infamous instruments of female denial is the Impenetrable Dance Circle, hereafter referred to as IDC. Its function and usage are widely understood, but how to defeat it remains one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of our time.

The Unrequited Poke

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 12:53:47 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under Poetry:

A gentle poem about love lost.

Somebody Please Invent Some Wires For My Damn Wireless Keyboard

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 11:27:16 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

An angry rant about the sometimes backwards trends of technological innovation.

I Am an Import Model

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:33:02 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

I live on top of a carbon fiber hood. Granted, it's not very nice having to spend one's life on the bonnet of a Nissan Skyline R34 GTR, but things could be worse. My friend Carla lives on the hood of a Civic Hatchback. Not very roomy.

Bet On Murder

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 01:58:29 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under Fiction:

A news story came on the TV about some chump who had been caught for killing his boss and trying to dump him in a trash can. We all had a good morbid laugh about it, until Craig mumbled something about how, if he committed murder, there was no way he would get caught.

A Letter to That Guy On Fire During My Psych 135 Final

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 01:48:38 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under Parody/Satire:

I expected a peaceful and quiet test-taking environment, but I just thought I should let you know that it was pretty rude of you to be on fire.

The Curse of the Carnival game

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 16:33:51 -0700

D. Chan published a new piece under General:

Man can lose his morals in pursuit of wealth, or his honor in pursuit of revenge. But he can also lose his dignity in pursuit of large plush animals.

Shenzhen

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 10:54:45 -0800

D. Chan published a new piece under Non-fiction:

There is a woman and a child on the street. She is young, maybe thirty, and the child is perhaps six, a boy. There is a trash can overturned, and then woman si...