the heel press

“Mallory! Mallory! The Nautilus is floating away!”

            Mallory’s eight-year-old brother Leon was in tears. His face looked swollen it was so red from screaming. He tripped over a rock that was hidden by the overgrown grass.

            “Leon!” Mallory yelled. She rushed to her brothers side. Her two friends, George and Selena, were right behind her. “Oh no, Leon.” She sat her brother up and examined his elbows and knees. He just got some scrapes.

Leon ripped his arm away from Mallory’s grip. “Let go of me!” he yelled. “We don’t have time for this. The Nautilus is floating away! You have to get it for me sis.”

“It’s not with you?” Mallory asked.

“Yeah! I was playing with it near the shore when I saw this cool spider next to me on a twig. I got it on my finger and turned around to see the Nautilus out in the water.”

Leon was pointing to where he was sitting and jumping up and down. Mallory looked out into the water and saw an orange object riding the waves of the Thunder Bay River.

“Calm down Leon,” she said. “Let’s go and check it out. You could be freaking out over nothing”

They ran down to the rivers shore. Leon got there first. “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” he cried. “It’s out even farther now!”

When Leon went to his sister for help, it was just a few feet from shore. The Nautilus was now in the middle of the river.

“That’s not good,” George said. “We can’t even reach it from the island.”

“Do you see anyone in a boat that could get it for us?” Selena asked. They scanned the river. No boats or people were in sight.

Leon glared at Mallory. “I want my Nautilus now sis!”

“Believe me when I say this Leon,” Mallory said, with her hands on her hips. “I would get it for you if I could, but I’m NOT going to get myself killed out there.”

“But it was grandpa’s toy boat! He gave it me for my birthday. He used to play with it when he was a kid!” Leon was now clutching Mallory’s shirt. “How can you just let something that precious to our family go?!”

That summer, on June 9^th, Leon turned eight. He received many gifts from his family and friends. His favorite was an orange toy boat his grandpa gave him. It reminded Leon of a boat he seen in a Popeye cartoon. Leon’s grandpa told him that, at his age, he played in the Thunder Bay River with that boat. “Take very good care of it Leon,” he said. “and have fun.”

Now Mallory really felt bad. She didn’t know what to say to that. A hand gripped her shoulder.

“Hey Mal—what’s all the racket about?”

Mallory’s boyfriend Kurt was up. He was napping when Leon came crying to Mallory. That last outburst woke him up.

“We have a problem Kurt,” Mallory said. Kurt was scratching his skull. The blanket gave him a terrible case of bed-head. “Leon’s toy boat—“

“Nautilus!” Leon yelled

Mallory cringed. “Leon’s Nautilus is stuck out in the middle of the river.” She pointed to where it was.

Kurt looked out at the orange toy boat. The water was still. The boat stayed still.

“That’s a pretty vintage boat you got there Leon,” Kurt commented. “Why is it called the Nautilus?”

Leon grinned. “I named after the submarine Captain Nemo manned in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.”

That made Kurt smile. He treated Leon like a little brother. Not just because he was dating his sister, but also because the kid reminded Kurt of what he was like when he was eight years old. Leon was also a science fiction buff, as he was. He let Leon borrow some of his science fiction novels—among them the works of one of his favorite writers, Jules Verne.

“You know how to swim Leon,” Kurt said. “Why don’t you just jump in and get it?”

Mallory smacked Kurt in the back of the head. “He can’t do that you moron!” she yelled. Mallory was a loveable person—but could be, at times, harsh.

“And why not Mal? Is he gonna melt if he gets his nice clothes wet?” Kurt was nursing his head. Now he had both an itch and a pain to deal with.

“Don’t get smart with me.” she sneered. “Don’t you remember what my dad told us last week?”

“Before we went to hang out near the river like we are now?”

“Yep.”

“No I don’t,” Kurt put both hands behind his head and grinned. “You should refresh my memory babe.”

“My dad told us to be careful around the river because there has been a very strong undertow as of late. Also, don’t you remember what happened in this river last month?”

Kurt grin disappeared. “You mean that kid who drowned?”

“Yes.”

The month before, a child two years younger than Leon was found dead on the shores of the Thunder Bay River. He was missing for two days. He drowned (though one classmate that Kurt, Mallory, George, and Selena knew—who was known around school as a dickhead—joked that the six year old committed suicide).

Kurt stood there thinking. Mallory thought as well. Everyone was trying to figure out what to do when the branches on a nearby tree started to shake.

“NO NO!” Leon suddenly yelled, “Nautilus IS BEING BLOWN AWAY!”

The wind was picking up. Nautilus was being blown towards Lake Huron. Waves were bashing into the sides—at times nearly submerging the ancient toy boat.

Leon was wailing. He plopped down and the ground and buried his face in his knees. Kurt kneeled down beside him and put his hand on his head. Leon looked up at him. The front of his pant legs were soaked with tears.

“Don’t give up yet bro,” Kurt said. " I have a trick up my sleeve.”

Leon was still crying. “Wha-what are you going to do Kurt.”

Kurt grinned. “I’m going to walk on water.”

Before anyone could ask questions, Kurt was running to his car.

Kurt returned with two fanny packs around his waist. In his hand was a spray body filled with a yellow liquid.

            “For the love of Moses Kurt,” George groaned. “Isn’t there ANYTHING else we can do besides this?”

            “If we had more time, then yeah,” Kurt said while he removed his shoes and socks. “But neither time nor the wind is on our side—so this will have to do.”

            Selena put her hand on her hips like Mallory did earlier. “This may be considered cool now, but I find it disqusting.”

            Kurt was spaying the yellow liquid on the top skin of his feet. “And whatever could you find so sick about what I’m doing right now?” Kurt asked sarcastically. “Please Selena—I insist that you enlighten me.”

            “YOU’RE DOUSING YOUR FEET WITH YOUR PISS!” she screamed.

            A couple of years ago, a great scientific discovery was made in California. A jellyfish in the Pacific Ocean stung a man from Alabama named Robert Nedley. As other beach patrons advised him to do, he urinated on the foot where he was stung. Before he was done, he noticed a jellyfish—that probably wasn’t the one that stung him—swim by. Nedley became enraged and let go of his penis. The remaining urine dribbled on his uninjured foot. He grabbed a large piece of driftwood and ran towards the water, intent on killing the jellyfish.

            Much to his—and every other beach patrons—surprise, instead of running through the water, he ran on the water. He caught up to the jellyfish he was targeting and smashed it into mush. Nedley took advantage of his new “power” (as he described it) and went around killing jellyfish. His rampage stopped when, without warning, he sank into the water.

            Scientists are still working on it to this day, but they determined that humans have the ability to walk on water (and other types of liquids, for that matter) if they cover the tops skin of their feet with their urine. Humans can walk on water as long as the urine on their feet isn’t washed off. It has been speculated that this was how Jesus Christ was able to walk on water.

            Walking on water is now a fad—and it happens to be one of Kurt’s favorite hobbies. He loves to do it so much that whenever he goes someplace where there is water (lake, river, swimming pool, etc), he brings two or three spray bottles of his urine with him.

            “And I’ll wash them off afterwards,” Kurt said. “It’s not as big of a deal as you make it out to be.”

            Mallory kissed and hugged Kurt. “Thank you sweetie,” she said to him. “But please be quick—don’t dilly-dally out there.”

            “I’ll be back in a flash.”

            “And please be careful.”

            “I will babe.”

Kurt kissed Mallory. He broke away from her embrace and ran towards the water. He jumped when he reached the edge. Kurt landed a few feet from shore and, without pausing, ran towards the toy boat. The wind was still blowing it away.

“Thank you Kurt! You’re awesome!”

Leon was no longer crying. Kurt gave him a thumbs up.

Dark clouds covered the blue skies of Alpena. Thunder could be heard in the distance. The wind blew even harder now. At times, walking on water isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world to do. Now was one of those times.

Due to the waves, Kurt couldn’t run straightforward and grab the boat. He had to carefully calculate his moves. He was now jogging and, when he really got into some tough spots, power walked. Already he had used up two spray bottles. He was down to half in his last one.

It was well over an hour by the time Kurt finally had the Nautilus in his grasp.

“I got you now you little shit!” he gasped. He was out of breath and completely soaked. He wanted to crush the boat in his hands, but he knew Leon was depending on him. “Time to head back.”

Kurt turned around and saw water. Water as far as his eyes could see. He was so determined to get the Nautilus that he didn’t realize that he walked right out into Lake Huron.

His left foot sunk into the water. Kurt panicked and sprayed his right foot, then his left. I have less than half a bottle left, he thought. I got to move now!

Kurt started running towards Alpena. The waves were constantly hitting his legs. He kept jumping up and down like a rabbit and spraying his feet every time he did. Within a minute he saw the giant dust pile. Alpena was a mere moment away. He jumped one more time and sprayed his feet.

Nothing came out of the spray bottle.

Kurt splashed into the water. He surfaced and tried to swim. The waves were too strong. He was getting tired. It felt like something was trying to pull him underwater.

A giant sheet of metal floated by. He grabbed a hold of it. After Kurt made sure he had as good a grip on it as he could manage with one hand, he started kicking his legs. The sheet of metal was his lifesaver.

“Kurt! Kurt!” yelled a voice. “Come on! Grab onto the rope!”

It was Mallory. George and Leon threw a long rope into the water. Kurt grabbed it. “Be strong Leon!” George yelled. “Pull as hard as you can!”

“Right!” yelled Leon.

George and Leon pulled. Kurt continued kicking his feet. It was all in vain. The waves were too strong. Mallory even grabbed a piece of the rope and pulled. Still, it was useless.

Mallory, George, and Leon were being pulled towards the edge when Selena showed up. In her hand was a Pepsi bottle. Inside the bottom part of the bottle was a yellow liquid.

“Kurt!” she yelled, taking the stance like a baseball pitcher. “Catch the bottle if you can!”

She threw it. Kurt knew exactly what was inside. Thinking quickly, he put the Nautilus into his mouth and locked down on it with his teeth. He held onto the rope with one hand and caught the bottle with the other. He unscrewed the cap and lifted his feet from the water. With a sweep of the bottle, he successfully covered his feet with Selena’s urine.

Still holding onto the rope, he hoisted himself up and ran. He made it to shore before the urine was washed off.

Leon examined the Nautilus. Except for Kurt’s teeth marks, it was still in good condition.

“Sorry about the teeth marks Leon,” Kurt said, wiping himself off with a towel. “But I didn’t really have much of a choice.”

Leon smiled. “It’s alright Kurt. You got my boat back and you’re not dead.” Leon hugged his boat. “Thank you.”

“You should also thank Selena, Leon,” Mallory said. “If it wasn’t for her quick thinking, Kurt—along with the three of us—could have drowned.”

“I thought you said that dousing my feet with piss was sick Selena?” Kurt was grinning. “Did you suddenly change your mind?”

Selena blushed. “It was a desperate situation,” she explained. “As you would say Kurt, I had no choice.”

George butted in. “You should start doing it Selena,” he said. “I think you might like it.”

“You have a sick mind George.” Selena said.

“No I don’t Selena,” George said. “You’re just not up with the times."

(copyright by Garret Schuelke)