the heel press

The sad part of this story is that I “stayed” with this man and he did it to me again. 

But I said, “No,” how can he misinterpret that word?  Does the word “No” just invite a man to be more persistent? Have so many women used “No” to indicate playful enticing that socially a man does not have to respect that word? Apparently this man felt that way.  I know that I said “No” many times.  In fact, the crying would have been an indicator for most men, but with this guy, it wasn’t.  Somehow he felt power in forcing me to do things that he wanted and I didn’t. 

When I look back on the course of events, I take responsibility for my own misleading.  But then isn’t that part of the oppression, the victim takes the responsibility for it while the oppressor does not.  Although I doubt he ever really spent any time reflecting on this “act”, I have spent hours wondering why I allowed this to happen.  I find even using the word “allow” causes me to jump back and forth between who was really responsible for this “act”.  I had invited him into my bed for some kissing.  I had not fought off his advances thus far.  Could I have led him to believe that this was what I wanted? 

Society has developed such a victim mentality and I refuse to be a part of it.  I am responsible for my own choices and the consequences that result from those choices. Do I have a right to be ….. I struggle with the emotion to put there.  Am I wanting to be angry and looking for a “right” to be? Am I wanting to be validated that I was a victim? Do I need to be validated? Am I hurt that a man would treat me that way, especially a man that claimed he cared about me? Am I looking for a scapegoat to carry the pain from all of the men that betrayed my heart and this “act” seems worthy? Why am I more upset about the part I played in “staying” then in the part he played for “forcing?” 

Oppressive acts reveal much deeper issues about the parties involved. Some of these issues are personal battles that rage in the depths of my own being and I must investigate them further. Why do I continue to let men define what I am about? Why don’t I take ownership of defining myself?  Why do I “stay” in situations that attempt to exert negative power over me? I am a talented young woman; why “stay” in any place that “forces” me to be less than that?

Other issues are social dynamics that will not be resolved, at least in my lifetime.  Men can still exert physical power over a woman and the weak-minded will not fight as hard as they can to get away.

Still other issues are healable and when discovered can be used to teach young people in effort to avoid these “acts” and the turmoil they bring. It is socially and legally unacceptable to push past a “No.” If we, women as a collective whole, commit to not abusing this word nor let it be an invitation to playful persistence then we can change the culture of men thinking this word has no power.

The second time happened because I perpetuated his exertion of power over me, by not exerting mine. 

In the face of the existing oppression, power exertion, of men over women, I think many women decide they want to fight back.  As a woman I have power as well, in fact I begin to wonder if my acts with other men are an unconscious response to this oppression.  Many times I have found myself wanting “to get back at” men for their oppressive “acts” on my body and heart.  How does a woman exert this power back? She lures a man into her bed with a misleading seductive glance and then at the last minute refuses his pleasure.  There is power in watching a man beg for sex or be almost destroyed physically by the cliffhanger ending to a passionate climb.   I don’t think I ever did this intentionally, but in reflection I realize this may have been my unconscious resolve for the oppression I have felt.  I know that many women do this with manipulative intent, perhaps with an unconscious need to resolve her own feelings of oppression.  And many will justify their actions by saying this kind of behavior is not considered “oppressive” but playful.

I come back to the heart of the oppressive issues at work in these two events and must come to grips with my own struggle.  Was it a struggle for power? I think it was.  I felt powerless in the first “act”, when I really wasn’t.  I could have gotten up and walked out.  And I think I felt power in the second “acts” by letting my “No” at the last minute carry weight it didn’t really have.  The truth is, I don’t want to engage in this power struggle.  I prefer to instead just be a woman of strength, totally unwavering in my choices and in who I am.  And for me, strength begins by taking responsibility for the parts I played and forgive the parts he played.