The Heel Press - The Jokers

Group - The Jokers

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Founded by: Nick Miller
Got a good joke, a though-provoking quote, or a funny story? Share it here.

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20 Members

Achilles
	Bronze
665 points

Andrew B
	Member
4 points

Big Mimo
	Bronze
715 points

dear alice
	Member
27 points

Deo
	Noble Orange
14,251 points

Esther
	Bronze
157 points

Garret Schuelke
	Bronze
315 points

hello real world
	Silver
2,562 points

Jack Wood
	Silver
4,057 points

Larry Kuok
	Silver
4,467 points

Locke
	Bronze
781 points

Mad Hatter
	Bronze
465 points

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Group Comments (54)

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Anonymous

on 09/05/06 at 02:28 PM

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

Because it wanted to reach the bottom!

Anonymous

on 08/14/06 at 12:32 AM

"Dude!Dude!Dude!Dude!Dude!Dude! Come quick!!"

"What's going on man?"

"You gotta see this!! She's doing the dance of the Seven Veils!!!"

"So."

"SHE'S ONLY GOT 2 VEILS!!!!!"

Jack Wood
	Silver
4,057 points

on 05/31/06 at 01:57 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a
beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know
me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of
one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery
and then stuck a carrot up my butt???" She looks
into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's
math teacher."

Sean Vora
	Silver
1,787 points

on 04/03/06 at 03:17 AM

"Abraham Lincoln: I was born in a log cabin, but my family moved around a lot. Plus, my father touched my butthole, and that's why i'm on your penny!
Isaac Newton: My father touched my butthole, which made me lust for a great knowlege of science!
Einstein: Mine father touched mine butthole!
In June, 1941, Hitler revealed to a stunned crowd that his father never touched his butthole."

D. Chan
	Gold
9,688 points

on 03/23/06 at 01:37 PM

haha i love that book. i lawled at the line "i am a 39-year-old man applying for a job as an elf." or something like that

Anonymous

on 03/22/06 at 10:23 PM

here's a little taste of david sedaris from "holidays on ice" one of his books...

"the woman ni charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. she held up a calendar and said, "ladies, you know what this is. use it. i have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. and don't tell me, 'i dont wear underpants, im a dancer.' you are not a dancer. if you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. you're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf."

Taco Tuesday
	Member
62 points

on 03/19/06 at 05:47 PM

I had something else in mind..

D. Chan
	Gold
9,688 points

on 03/19/06 at 05:39 PM

whats brown a sticky?

A STICK! bwaha

Sean Vora
	Silver
1,787 points

on 01/30/06 at 09:00 PM

"...and he has an interpreter for him.
'The senator says the one thing he's always said: he said he will fuck the help, but he will not give them a decent wage. He says that's what he believes, and pussy is pussy. He says his johnson is colorblind, and it's the bane of his existence.'
Thank you, Senator." - David Cross on Strom Thurman explaining how he had an african american daughter

Sean Vora
	Silver
1,787 points

on 01/30/06 at 06:57 PM

"...If it's not that, it's the other thing where they tell you how hard it is to have kids.
'Oh David, it's so hard! I mean, God, I love her so much, but it's hard having kids.'
Come on man, that's not hard. I'll tell you what's hard. Try talking your girlfriend into having her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard. That takes 'finesse;' you're just inconvenienced."
- David Cross

Deo
	Noble Orange
14,251 points

on 01/30/06 at 08:22 AM

A turtle is walking down an alley way when he gets jumped by a gang of snails. The investigating police officer asks if he can describe exactly what happened. The turtle, still flustered says, "I... I dont know... it all happened so fast."

Anonymous

on 11/23/05 at 08:59 AM

"i don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die" - mr. garrison

Sean Vora
	Silver
1,787 points

on 11/21/05 at 03:30 AM

"Reggie: The Jerries aren’t so bad. They’re just being led by a rotten apple.
Adelaide: Oh, Reggie. Fighting for your country— you’re such a pussy.
Reggie: When I miss your lips, I’ll put a fag in my mouth and think of you."

They're British.

Anonymous

on 11/16/05 at 04:45 PM

How do you make a tissue dance?

--put a lil boogie in it

Anonymous

on 11/16/05 at 04:45 PM

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills the cab driver’s fantasy with a very passionate kiss.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Anonymous

on 11/06/05 at 11:04 AM

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
-Dorothy Parker

Big Mimo
	Bronze
715 points

on 11/06/05 at 07:45 AM

Have you heard about the wedding between the two antennas?

The wedding was ok but the reception was GREAT!

Big Mimo
	Bronze
715 points

on 11/06/05 at 07:43 AM

Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.

Fry: Smells like strawberries.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly. And now, now Saturn.

Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Haha.

Leela: I don't get it.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry: Oh. What's it called now?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

Big Mimo
	Bronze
715 points

on 11/06/05 at 07:40 AM

What do toilet paper and the starship enterprise have in common?

They both go around uranus looking for Klingons.

Nick Miller
	Noble Orange
21,944 points

on 11/04/05 at 10:24 AM

ahhh larry thats fuckin beat

Larry Kuok
	Silver
4,467 points

on 11/03/05 at 08:58 PM

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other other lesbian vampire ?

See you next month! [i][/i]

Sean Vora
	Silver
1,787 points

on 10/17/05 at 09:24 PM

Oh yeah, all of my jokes except for posting 22 and 23 are from UCB as well - ass pennies is another favorite of mine.

Sean Vora
	Silver
1,787 points

on 10/17/05 at 09:23 PM

Upright Citizens Brigade, Anonymous. There are so many funny lines/sketches from that show I've been thinking of creating a circle for just that...then I realized I'd be the only one posting, so I'll keep them here.

Nick Miller
	Noble Orange
21,944 points

on 10/17/05 at 07:52 PM

My sister's home didn't really lend itself to snooping, and so I spent my hour in the kitchen, making small talk with Henry. It was the same conversation we'd had the last time I saw him, yet still I found it fascinating. He asked how I was doing, I said I was all right, and then, as if something might have drastically changed within the last few seconds, he asked again. Of all the elements of my sister's adult life-the house, the husband, the sudden interest in plants-the most unsettling is Henry. Technically he's a blue-fronted Amazon, but to the average layman, he is just a big parrot-the type you might see on the shoulder of a pirate. 'How you doing?' The third time he asked, it sounded as if he really cared. I approached his cage with a detailed answer, and when he lunged for the bars, I screamed like a girl and ran out of the room.--David Sedaris

Anonymous

on 10/17/05 at 07:25 PM

haha what is that from sean?

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